Today is a lazy day...

Most of my days are pretty laid back... It's just Jack and I all day long... I went to the store today & they had a display of dog toys! LUCKY JACKERS!!! I just cannot resist buying him extra toys... as you can see, my baby is totally neglected. These are just some of his toys surrounding him, as he plays with his newest one. For some reason, he feels like he has to drag all of his toys out and surround himself, I guess to make sure no one else plays with them or something!!

Jackers is one spoiled doggie!! We love him SO much!

Prayers

Today is my Aunt Christi's birthday... and, obviously, it is going to be a very hard day for her family.

I want to ask all of you to please keep them in your prayers, my uncle, my cousins, their husbands and their precious little girls.

Thanks!

*please go to rileykai.blogspot.com to read the incredible post from my cousin about this day. She is an amazing writer & poet.

TECHNOLOGY

I love technology... even was a CIS major in college. So I wanted to let you know other ways to find me :-)

1. MYSPACE!!! I love it www.myspace.com/futuremrsmassey
2. TWITTER - I'm pretty new - kmass2306

Life With Jack Massey :-)

I am home all day long with our dog, Jack. Poor thing is my only form of entertainment, so I take endless amounts of pictures of him... sleeping, laying around, being silly. He is pretty much used to it by now... but I can tell when he's fed up with me, because he will go in to the other room, or turn his back to me! LOL...

totally rough life...

Jack & daddy the first week we got him... 5 weeks old

Jack is a daddy's boy

Since Brendan and I won't be able to have children, Jack's been blessed to BE that child :-) and I probably treat him more like my child, than my dog. I will forever be greatful to Brendan for bringing Jack in to our lives. Nothing (that I have experienced anyway) can compare to the unconditional love a dog gives you.

Jack is a very good boy. He has been well trained, and VERY loved

Am I REALLY THIS Old?!

I just plucked SIX gray hairs out of my head :-(

How can this be?! I'm only 32!!!! SHEESH...

Our House

So we made a deal with my grandmother about 6 months ago... my husband would demo the existing house & add an addition to it, doubling the square footage.

BEFORE

The addition

More from the front

Brendan and our very wonderful friend, Nick, have been working SO SO SO hard on this project. I am such a lucky gal!!! I can't wait for it to be finished, so we can finally have a HOME that is OURS.

Since Brendan is doing 95% of all of the work himself, it's going to take awhile, but it will be worth it to have everything how we want it.

Catching Up With Old Friends

I had dinner tonight with a former co-worker tonight. Of course, she's more than just a former co-worker, she's my friend.

Anyway, we had the best time chatting and catching up. In fact, the staff at Abuelos was trying to clean up and close up, we were there so late! I miss getting to see and/or talk to her every day... but that's the way it goes. Thank God for email and text messaging!!!

Amusement

I am constantly amused at the stupid things people will do, without thinking, thinking that will be no consequences, etc... Sometimes people do stupid things unknowingly (I could probably make a list a mile long of my missteps I'm sure) but those who do things intentionally... then wonder why people think they're morons amuse me.

I can't begin to understand why dumb asses do the things that they do... but I know life, while may be easier, sure would be boring without them. All we can do is sit back, shake our heads and laugh at them...

My Husband

My husband, Brendan, is the greatest man I have ever known. I never can express in words what he means to me. He has stood by me through sickness and health. He never ceases to amaze me with his kindness and generosity. He is a wonderful provider, a great friend and a fantastic person. He doesn't always see himself that way, but I do... every time I look at his gorgeous blue eyes.

I love & respect you Brendan Massey

Some good news!

I won the battle with my former employer and my unemployment money came in today! This is such a huge relief for us, as we have been some what struggling financially for a bit.

God is good!

Boredom Is Not My Thing

November 23, 2008 I went in to my bosses office about 8:45am and told her that I was going to be looking fr another job opportunity, within our company. When I left her office she seemed supportive and understanding. BOY WAS I MISTAKEN! At 3:30pm she fired me. She sighted some BS reasons and that was that.

I have worked since I was 15 years old and NEVER been fired from anything! Needless to say I was/am in unfamiliar territory. God has been blessing us tremendously and taking care of us. I also was able to receive unemployment benefits, so that's always a plus.

The one thing I have learned from all of this is that I do not handle boredom well, but all of this has depressed me so that I don't really WANT to do anything. It's like I am between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I know God will lead me to the right job, but on HIS time. And for me that is so frustrating! Patience has never been a virtue of mine...

SO until I am lead to that job, I will try to learn patience and maybe a hobby LOL

Very Important Events, other than my stupid illnesses

2007: 8 days after my surgery, my sister gave birth to her son, Wyatt Varis - on his daddy's birthday! I was lucky enough to be out of the hospital, and able to go see him. CUTIE!!! And watching him grow up has been the most fun!

2008: Riley and Taylor celebrated their FIRST birthdays!!

My aunt was diagnosed with cancer again, after being in remission for a year. My last conversation with her was when mom & I were on our way to the hospital, back in July. I am SO grateful every day that I got to talk to her, because less than a month later we lost her. We were able to drive to Abilene a few days before she died and say our goodbyes, and as painful as that was, I am thankful that we had that opportunity. I miss her and think about her every day, but I know she is no longer hurting or suffering. I hurt for my cousins loss, and their babies loss of their incredible, loving grandmother. But she will always be in our hearts.

My very best friend, Wendy, lost both grandparents within a few months of each other. Roy & Frances Kimbrell were amazingly, wonderful people who loved each other, and their family SO much, and their loss will be hard to get over.

Also, my sister-in-law gave birth to her 2nd child, Braiden. We are now blessed with 3 wonderful nephews. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary and Wyatt celebrated his FIRST birthday!

Goodbye Illnesses!

So after all of that mess, I am perfectly fine and healthy. Life is good. So I am on 10 meds a day, that will someday go away... So I am on a hellacious drug that thins my blood and makes me cold almost all of the time... you know what I AM ALIVE! I thank God every day for all that he has done for me.

Now I can concentrate on having a life!

2008...

Shortly after I went back to work, my boss informed me that they were going to have to eliminate my position, but there was another job waiting for me. So I wasn't going to lose anything. My salary would be the same, my boss would just change. So in late January I moved to the managed care department. And it was a wonderful transition from what I had been doing. And more importantly, my health care benefits wouldn't change!

So for 4-5 months I was movin' along really well. I felt good, I had energy, life was damn good. Then the bleeding started.

For about 2 months I had the heaviest periods I had ever had, and they were constant. I felt tired and weak, and I didn't know what was going on. One day I called my doctor and told him what was going on... so he caled me in to get a STAT blood draw, so we could see what my blood count was. I had a really low, critical blood count when I was in the hospital back in September, in fact I had to have 4 blood transfusions. And while we never did find out why I was losing blood it got better, and I didn't have any more problems - up until now. So I go in and get the blood draw, and go bck to work. Within an hour Dr. Hinshaw caled - himself, THAT can't be good - and said my count was critical and I had to go back in to the hospital NOW.

So there we were, driving BACK to UMC... (heavy sigh) I get all checked in, and they are getting me set up for more blood transfusions. Because Coumadin, while life sustaining, is a hellacious drug, it messes up LOTS of things. So they had to take me OFF the Coumadin, and put me on Heparin. This takes a lot of tweaking and checking... it's basically a pain in the ass. So we get my transfusions going, and out of the way, but I'm STILL bleeding horribly. So my GYN, Dr. Dorsestt decides we need to do a DNC and see if that takes care of it. So we get that done on Friday. I had been in the hospital for about 2-3 days by this time, and I was pretty antsy. It's one thing to be there when you're sick and you just don't care, but it's an entirely different experience when you feel fine and feel trapped.

So the DNC worked, we got back on the Coumadin, and almost a week later, they release me. FREEDOM!

Life After Open Heart Surgery

While I was recovering at home, sleeping in our recliner, I had busted open some of my stitches. Of course, it was the top 2, so my scar looks awful! But I'm alive, so you have to realize what's really important.

At first I was pretty self-conscious about my scar, so I wore shirts that came up pretty high... but around the spring of 2008, I realized... I didn't care what people thought! So I have a massive scar running down my chest, I am also ALIVE and walking around because of that scar... So I decided if anyone had a problem with it, they could suck it! I was alive and feeling better than I ever had!!!

In reality, open heart surgery REALLY wasn't THAT bad... sure it hurt a little, but that's why they have good drugs! And after about 2 months, I was finally able to sleep in my own bed again... so HURRAY!

D-DAY

November 12, 2007 8am, I checked in to pre-op at UMC for my open heart surgery, at 31 years old. Dr. Ralph Paone was the surgeon who was going to perform the mitral valve replacement. He had assured me, early on, that he would do the best to make the scar minimal.

Brendan and I checked in, and they started doing all the crazy stuff they do to you before surgery. I thought we would have some time to talk, or at least be scared, but man they were movin' and groovin' and next thing I know the Anesthesiologist, Dr. Greg Miller, who is AWESOME, came in and was ready to wheel me off! My parents, my sister, no one had shown up yet, because we thought we had plenty of time! Oh well, there's no waiting on this!

The last thing I remember is Dr. Miller cracking a joke, I laughed and then I woke up a few hours later in CICU, hooked up to a ventilator. Thank God they had warned me ahead of time, so I wasn't completely freaked when I woke up and couldn't talk or move.

My entire family was there. I was completely aware of what was going on, what was being said, but I had a gigantic tube down my throat, so I could only move my eyes. Brendan and I had come up with eye signals before my surgery - like 1 blink is yes, 2 is no and 3 is HELL NO! :-) I am SO glad we did this, because it came in handy! FInally, after about 8 hours, they pulled me off of the vent. I thought itching from the inside out was torture, no no no, being hooked up to a vent is torture...

All in all the surgery went well, and after 5 days in ICU, they sent me home. They had me up and walking around the next day, after my surgery, so going home wasn't bad. They had me pretty doped up, so the pain wasn't too terrible. Because I am so young, I bounced back pretty quickly. I was home for about 6, 6 1/2 weeks, and then I was pretty bored, so I decided to go back to work a couple of weeks early.

The News

Brendan always wanted kids. We never could agree on how many... he said 3-4, I said ONE, maybe 2... but he was firm on the fact that he wanted children.

So, we have this diagnosis of Endocarditis... and we got that all taken care of. But the fact remained that I had this deformed, floppy mitral valve, who was still causing all these problems. What do we do?! Well, we got our answer... OPEN HEART SURGERY. wow. That news hits you like a ton of bricks. Because I had been in the hospital so long, previously, I had NO PTO left at work. Plus we had tons of medical bills piling up... and now this?! Geez.

According to my cardiologist, Dr. Sutthiwan, who is WONDERFUL... we had 2 options a) a tissue valve, which would mean surgery to replace it over and over or b) a mechanical valve, which would mean (hopefully) never having to replace it again. Well we want choice B, right?

Here is what having a mechanical valve means... because there would be a foreign object in my body (and because we learned with my picc line that my body forms blood clots VERY quickly) I would have to be on Coumadin for the rest of my life. I mean, you really DON'T want a clot forming on your heart. But this means... no children, ever. If I were to get pregnant, while on Coumadin, the consequences could be deadly. Ouch. What do we do? We JUST got married! We JUST started our new life together... and now you're telling me we can't have kids?!

Let me tell you that this caused A LOT of grief for us. We argued for days over this... I mean, I was going to have to have my chest cracked open, and someone fiddle around with my HEART. The last thing I cared about was whether or not we could have kids... but Brendan was in agony over not having kids... his family was in agony over the thought of never having Brendan's grandchildren... I felt out numbered and unimportant. It was a terrible time for us.

So we went and met with the surgeon, and I had finally caved and told Brendan I wold do the tissue valve, so we could have at least one child. Well Dr. Paone had different plans. He said with someone my age, he wouldn't even consider a tissue replacement. That got Brendan's attention, and he agreed, that's what was best for me. Dr. Paone also said, with the severity of my condition, we needed to get in there right away, and not wait. So I didn't have a lot of time to be scared, or even nervous... it was happening, and it was happening NOW.

Just Married...

I don't think my husband gets enough credit for how wonderful he truly is. Poor thing just married a chick with a picc line in her arm, and for a honeymoon, we went home, I had my antibiotics administered, and we went to bed. No rocking honeymoon for this guy :-(

So we started our life as Mr. & Mrs. Massey! What lies in store for this young couple? Kids, a house, what?! Well we would soon find out...

The Big Day (Pt. 2)

SEPTEMBER 15TH!

I slept really well the night before, mainly because I was on 100 different medications. I had a 9a hair appointment, and I soooo did not want to go. Thank God Brendan offered to drive me everywhere, because I wasn't allowed yet. HELLO! Just got out of the hospital people! LOL... my hair dresser was very understanding, I decided against the style I had originally picked. I wanted everything as simple as possible. The wedding wasn't until 4pm, and I knew I would be awfully tired by then. I had also lost 30lbs. in the hospital, so I was afraid my dress wouldn't fit! So I had a lot on my mind that day.

Brendan dropped us all off after our hair was done, and now it was time to nap. I thank God that I have my mom and my sister, ad my very wonderful friends... because I was in no shape to go and set up for my wedding! But they did it all, and it was awesome.

Mom came and got me and my big ol' dress, and we headed out to the Apple Orchard, where we were having our ceremony & reception. She got my big ass INTO the dress, and my best friend, Wendy slapped some make up on me. At this point, I was completely out of it. I was SO tired... everyone was ready, I had no idea what I was supposed to do, since I missed the rehearsal... so I sat, and waited for instruction. We had gotten our wedding pics out of the way before hand... it was just easier, and trust me, that day was all about EASY.

Right before the ceremony, I started to get really nauseous... not because I was nervous, but because I was still pretty wobbly and I hadn't really eaten anything. But they got a fan on me, and sat me down, and it passed. Then it was time to head down the isle!
Aside from some initial tripping on my dress, dad and I made it down the isle... everyone said alter, they were just happy I didn't need to be wheeled down the isle!

Everything went off without a hitch, and finally we were married!!!!!

It was the happiest day of my life!!! (Even though I don't look like it!)

The Big Day (Pt. 1)

So my uncle took me home from the hospital, then ran out to the wedding rehearsal. While everyone else was out at the ceremony site rehearsing, my mom and I were feverishly trying to get me ready for the rehearsal dinner!

Now, I had a staph infection on my heart and in my legs... so shaving with a razor was out of the question... I had also been in the hospital for 3+ weeks... so it was not a pretty sight. My mother, who should win a mother of the year award, got Nair and put it all over me... and then rubbed like a crazy woman! And it worked! She also had to help me shower, because I had JUST gotten out of the hospital... I wasn't 100%. So we got me in to my dress, found a creative way to hide that ugly picc line, and off we went to the dinner. Everyone was really surprised when they walked in and there I was! Again, everything is kind of a blurr to me from that night. I was exhausted. And I still had a whole wedding to get through the very NEXT day!

And so on and so on...

After the whoopsy with the vanco, they changed up my antibiotics, waited to see if I had a reaction, when I didn't and I got all better, they sent me home... YAY, right? WRONG.

A few days after that little episode was over, I had ANOTHER problem... now my memory on all of this is fuzzy... but I believe I had an asthma attack that the nurse couldn't fix, so off we go again to the ER. At least this time it was during the day! haha... We sat in the room for what seemed like forever, they couldn't get my O2 level up... so here we go again, I was admitted to the hospital. This time they put me immediately in to MICU. No privacy, no shower, no nuthin'!

I was hooked up to every monitor imaginable. Things beeping constantly... Oh yeah, and did I mention I had a wedding to go to?! I begged and pleaded with my doctors to let me go home... YEAH RIGHT, they said! I told them I would go get married and come right back in, if that's what they wanted! No way... :-(

So we started thinking of Wedding Plan B, should we have to. I thought, OMG, I am going to have to get married in the UMC Chapel, in my hospital gown... that was enough to make me very very depressed. Then I started to get angry! Begging didn't work, so what if I THREATENED my doctor with his life if he didn't let me out in time?! hahaha...

Thank God, my Uncle Kevin worked there... he got my discharge expedited, and on SEPTEMBER 14TH, I was discharged from MICU.

Thaaaaaaaat's right... the day OF my wedding rehearsal, I was being discharged from the hospital, with a picc line in my arm... and both my rehearsal and wedding dresses were strapless! OY!

Oh, whoops!

So I am home. I have a home health nurse assigned to me... Jennifer. She is fantastic! She also sees no need to come around every day, because they allowed my mom, who is also a nurse, to take over administering my daily dose of antibiotics. Everything is starting to look up...

I was out of the hospital for 2 days when it happened. I had an allergic reaction to the vancomycin they were giving me! It happened so suddenly... I was freezing cold and itching like crazy. Nothing helped. Mom gave me a hot, oatmeal bath... I was wrapped up in my electric blanket, but I couldn't stop shivering... try itching from the INSIDE... yah, not fun. And I had slowly gotten what they call the "red man syndrome". I had little red bumps all over.

FInally, my fiancee went to kiss me good night and said that I was burning up! I was like, oh no I'm not, I'm FREEZING... so he took my temperature and it was 104 degrees! And he said I was pretty incoherent as well. So he gathered me up, and threw me in the truck and off we go to the ER. Luckily, we live right by the hospital. He called my home health nurse as well, who was able to call UMC ER and get me in pretty quickly.

Once again, I am admitted into the hospital. BOO!

THE DIAGNOSIS

SO we now have a diagnosis... Endocarditis. Which is a long, fancy word for "a virus on my heart". This is why I had the fluid build up around my heart, etc etc. The cure? A picc line inserted in to my arm, that went all the way to my heart, so they could run antibiotics in there and make we all better. They also did a TEE (TransEsophageal Echocardiogram). That was pretty weird. They give you this drug that makes you VERY relaxed, so they can shove a camera down your throat. According to my uncle and cardiologist, it went well... I have NO recollection of it at all!

Apparently the mitral valve in my heart was deformed. It was causing the oxygenated blood to fall back into the chamber, instead of going out into my body, like it was supposed to. This was why I was so fatigued all of the time. It is called "regurgitation". Nice huh?

So now I have a picc line running good drugs to my heart and we know whats going on in there... Can I go home now?! After all, I have a wedding to think about!!

The First Time In The Hospital

So here I am, in the hospital. Got my little hospital gown on, they're running a gabillion tests on me. I'm being poked and prodded in places I've never been before! Yikes!!

I am on the 4th Floor at University Medical Center. Luckily my sister and my soon-to-be uncle both work there. Brendan and my mom are both there, as we wait for some news of something.

I get my first meal there... let me tell you, hospital food is not great. Still no news of what exactly is wrong with me... so we wait for my doctor...

Dr. Luke Hinshaw, who I adore, finally makes rounds at 2am! I wake up to him standing over me. (It's a nice way to wake up ladies, let me tell ya (hehehe)) He asks all the pertinent questions, he checks me out... and again, we wait.

The Day That Forever Changed Our Lives

August 28, 2007:
Once again I found myself at the doctor, complaining of the cough that wouldn't go away, fatigue and shortness of breath. I had told my boss that morning that I was going to pop over to one of our clinics to see the same doctor I had been, this entire time... when I got there though, he wasn't there that day, so they asked me to see one of the other doctors... I was so miserable, I didn't care who I saw!

That's how I came to see Dr. Mario Pena. The man that saved my life.

So we go in and run through the usual spill... "I can't catch my breath" "I can't sleep at night because of the coughing" etc etc. We do the usual chest x-ray. Boom. I expected to be in and out in an hour, like usual. But after the chest x-ray, I'm sitting in the room, for what seems like an hour... I start to get really nervous.

Finally Dr. Pena comes in and says that my chest x-ray shows fluid around my heart, and I am in the middle of Congestive Heart Failure. WHAAAAAAAAT?! Why didn't anyone see this before? I had only had, like, a billion chest x-rays there! But it all made sense, the coughing, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, these are all signs apparently. I was being mis-diagnosed the whole time!

Anyway, he goes on to say that he has talked to my Primary Care doctor and I was going to be admitted to the hospital, just as soon as they had a bed available. He told me to drive straight home and rest, while waiting for the phone call about my hospital room.

I had never been in the hospital a day in my life! I was so nervous and scared! Of course the first person I call is my boss to tell her that I won't be coming back in and that I am going to be admitted in to the hospital. Then I call my fiancee and my mom. As soon as my mom started talking I started sobbing... which is pretty typical of me when talking to mommy. I don't care how old you get, mom is still the one who can make it all better :-)

So we get the call that UMC has a room for me, and off we go. I have my bag packed for 3 days, like I knew WHAT to pack, right?!

Life & Illness

So the spring came, we welcomed our 2 second cousins into the world, Riley and Taylor. They were born just a few days apart! We were also dealing with my mom's sister fighting breast cancer. But we did learn that my sister was pregnant with her first child!! The first grandchild on both sides.

My 31st birthday came and went... and I was STILL feeling terrible. I had been going to the doctor non-stop, being diagnosed and treated for pneumonia. I wasn't sleeping anymore, my relentless coughing kept me up at night... I was just plain miserable. Nothing worked, nothing helped and I wasn't getting any new answers as to why.

Valentine's Day

Like I said before, Brendan and I met on February 10, 2006. Awfully close to Valentine's Day - the day for love, right? So I wasn't expecting anything at all, much less flowers and a romantic dinner! But, that's what I got!!! So I guess we sort of knew it was meant to be :-)

Valentine's Day 2007 was exciting... we were fully in love, engaged, it was our time to really go all out. And Brendan did! I came home from work to a candle-lit dinner from our favorite restaurant (and the same one we had our first Valentine's dinner) and my favorite singer playing in the background (Josh Groban - ahhhhhh). He even bought me a romantic comedy, that is totally un-manly, but he watched it with me anyway!!

It's 2007!!

We rang in 2007 by throwing a party in our new house. It was great! Our very good friends were there, it was more than we could have asked for. I was hoping 2007 would bring in a new year of feeling good... boy was I wrong!

December 2006

As the month went on, I still felt awful. Short of breath, fatigued, all around generally "blah". But the holidays were coming up, it would be our first Christmas together! It would also be MY first time EVER away from home on Christmas.

We had decided to go to Ft Worth for Christmas, so we could celebrate our engagement and the holidays, with Brendan's family. My family is here, so we get to do things with them any time we want to... so it was only fair we go there.

Like I said, I had never been away from home for Christmas, so I was quite anxious. And feeling cruddy on top of that only increased my anxiety. BUT everything went off just fine, and I survived :-)

Also during this time we left our apartment, because we had issues with our next dorr neighbor throwing rowdy parties until 4am and I was trying to get well... I also had just started a new job in mid-December...

December '06 was a pretty crazy time.

November 2006

As I have said in my previous posts, illness s a big part of my story. I remember when Brendan and I first started dating, I got the worst case of strep throat. Ugh. Well, for about almost a year, I hadn't been feeling... up my peak performance standard, shall we say... I basically had no energy - ALL THE TIME and had trouble catching my breath. I even stopped working out because of it.

Anyway, November is Brendan's birthday, and I wanted to do something really special for him... but I felt like crap all the time, so I really never got anything planned. Around the 19th (his birthday) I was diagnosed with pneumonia.

Needless to say, it was not a fun birthday for us. I was puny and gripey and all round no fun. So, he reluctantly went out for his birthday with his uncle and friends. I felt awful for ruining his first birthday, of us being together. But what can you do?

I never did fully recover from that illness.

We Set A Date!

October, during a work luncheon actually, we finally agreed on a date for our wedding. I always envisioned an outdoor, summer wedding... but since I was marrying the world's most hot-natured man, that was out of the question.

So we finally agreed on a fall wedding. With the unpredictable fall weather here, we thought September would be a good time... not too hot, not too cold...

So through many many text messages, we picked September 15, 2007 as the day we would say our vows! The date didn't hold any special meaning per say... It was a Saturday in September, and didn't cut in to anyone else's birthday or anniversary dates.

When Life Hands You Lemons

Okay, a big part of my story includes a lot of illness... As I go through this blog, you will learn more about all of that... this day is our first taste of all the tests life throws at you.

In September of 2006 I went to the doctor because I was having weird visions in my peripheral vision - called "floaters". At times I could feel them coming on, other times it would just happen and I would get dark spots that I couldn't even see through. I was also having some weird sensations in my right leg & foot, inclduing numbness. This worried me because, well, it's just not normal!

So we get the MRI done... my first ever (not my last unfortunately) and my doctor calls me in once she has the results. She says that there are a couple of white spots on my brain that are similiar to what they see in MS patients. MS! This word is a very bad wrd in my family. My aunt has MS. She is in her 40's and wheel chair bound. She also has had to move to a nursing home... Needless to say, I lost my damn mind. Brendan, being the incredible man he is, knew that these results would freak me out, so he showed up at the doctors office to console me. I immediatley thought of our life in 10, 20 years... me wheel chair bound, needing constant help... having to have a damn cathiter placed because I can't control my body any longer. I just couldn'y bear the thought of Brendan throwing his life away like that. I called off the engagement.

After I calmed down some... he looked my straight in the eyes and said "We are in this together. No matter what happens. I am not leaving your side, ever." Well hell... how do you say No to THAT? I have me one hell of a man.

Side note: the visions were diagnosed as occular migraines and are now pretty much under control. In 2008 I had another MRI of the head and spine and more white spots appeared. While Dr. Williams does not think it is MS, I still have the same symptoms in my right leg, but they have not gotten any worse. Because of my current medication situation, we could not do the lumbar puncture, which is the only TRUE way to tell if it is in fact MS. (heavy sigh)

WE'RE ENGAGED!!!

We had talked about marriage waaaay before an actual, real proposal happened. In fact, I had picked out an engagement ring in June, and we had started paying on it.

One day in mid-August, Brendan and I had somewhere we had to be... and I was running late. (Anyone who knows me, knows I DO NOT handle running late well.) And as usual, feeling the pressure of getting ready one time, I was quite bitchy... so I'm in the shower, getting ready and I hear a knock on the bathroom door. I open it up and there's Brendan, with Jack, on one knee, engagement ring in hand. Let me tell you, there's nothing more romantic than a giddy girl in a towel, hair sopping wet - hahaha! So, with Jack sitting by his side, he formally asked me to marry him. Oh yeah, and I said YES!!! AND we made it to where ever we were supposed to be ON TIME - thank you very much!

Jack Comes In To Our Lives

4 years ago I had a dog named Gordon. Gordon and I went through A LOT together... Sadly, in 2004, he got sick and he had to be put sleep. I was heart-broken over it and vowed I would never own a dog again. After some time went by though I missed the companionship a dog can give you.

My birthday is June30th. In May 2006 we decided we would go to Dallas to celebrate my 30th birthday. I was super excited!!

One day in early June, Brendan calls me from the parking lot of our apartment (we had moved in together in April) and asks me to come down and help him carry some stuff in. Me, being the eternal lazy bitch that I can sometimes be, got pissy over having to throw some decent clothes on and go downstairs, just to help carry stuff in... (I know, I know) So I, huffily, open the door, only to see Brendan holding this little 5 week old puppy, who, unbeknownst to Brendan, looked JUST like my Gordon did at that age! Of course I IMMEDIATELY fell in love. I mean, who wouldn't love an adorable little puppy for their birthday?!

Brendan had been working at a renters house, and she just happen to foster animals for the Humane Society. They had gotten Jack and his sister a few days before... Brendan saw him and viola! We got our Jackers!! The lady's son had actually named him Jumpin' Jack, so we just shortened it and kept the name they had been calling him. JACK was a fine name indeed.

So We're Dating... Now What?

So we've become inseparable since our first date... and we both know what this is... we've gotten the "I love you's" out of the way (our whole relationship has been based on FAST...) so what's next? MEETING THE FAMILIES - aaaaaagggggghhhh!

2 weeks after we had been dating, Brendan invites me to Ft. Worth with him, to meet his entire family... well, okay, maybe not the ENTIRE family, because his is HUGE... but the most important people - his mom & dad, sister & brother and his grandparents. No pressure there! We go, they're all wonderful, and they all (seem) to love me... so now on to MY family. That parts a little trickier.

My parents are strict southern Baptist people, who don't drink, rarely cuss, etc etc. Basically the exact opposite of Brendan's family.I was really worried about how they would react to meeting this guy, who I have only been dating for a couple of weeks. But the met him, and loved him. WHEW!!

THREE weeks after we have been together Brendan has to make a trip to Arizona to drop some big ol' thing off to his dad (his dad in FW is techincally his step dad, but he calls him dad) and he asked me if I wanted to come along... Let me just say one thing, if you can survive a 3 day trip, in a tiny Ford Ranger after only dating a few weeks, and not kill eachother... IT IS SO MEANT TO BE!

I traveled more in the first 2-3 months with Brendan, than I had in my entire life! (Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but we traveled A LOT.) And what I learned is that we realy DO get along! We never run out of things to talk about... I never cease to find him interesting... this is good, right?

The Date Changed My Life

On February 10, 2006 I met the man of my dreams, literally. He was VERY tall (an entire FOOT taller tham myself), bald (not by nature, but by choice), had gorgeous blue eyes and a killer smile - AND all his teeth (haha)!! He was also incredibly strong (former semi-pro football player) and from Texas. Pretty much all of my criteria for a man - and more importantly, my soul mate ;-)

How we met is our little secret, but the fact remians that, after YEARS of prayers, tears and yearning in my heart... God brought him to me. He is kind, sweet, loving, romantic - really a gentle giant if you will, and best of all, respectful.

Our first date was basically a "blind date" because we had never met, or seen eachother in person. I was SO nervous, and he was too. He offered to let me drive myself, and meet him somewhere - very public, so I would be at ease, but in my heart I knew it would be fine, after all, I had spent hours on the phone with him a couple of days before, and somehow just knew I could trust him.

Anyway, he picked me up at my apartment and I'm noy afraid to say it - I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when he was handsome (I know, I know). We decided to go to a place we both enjoyed, Fox & Hound. It had 2 main things we both needed that night - lots of people around and liquor!! We played a few games of pool (he let me win of course) but mainly we just talked... and talked... (and drank, but mainly talked.) Once it got kind of late, we didn't want our time together to end, so we went to IHOP - you know, nothing says romance like pancakes and drunk bar hoppers :-). We talked until 4am! But it was pretty late, and we were getting really tired. So he took me home, gave me a big hug and said "good night".

Now you girls out there, we all know that the good night can be tricky... especially on a first date... "WILL he kiss me?" "will he want to come IN?!" Yikes!! All of those questions were swirling on my head... but Brendan, being the sweet gentleman he is... took my hand, kissed it and simply left it at that. NOT what I was expecting, to be honest, but it was nice. Of course, me being the nuerotic, although, loveable person that I am, I thought... OMG, he didn't try to kiss me... he totally hates me. I'm never going to hear from him again... doesn't he KNOW we are soul mates and he will be ruining his life if he doesn't ask me out again?!

Needless to say, he called :-D the very next day and asked me out for coffee. He also said he needed to drop by a friends house to pick something up, and asked if I would tag along. OF COURSE I said yes! (Little side note: the friend was one of his very best friends and he didn't need to pick anything up... he was getting the OK from Nick! What a sneaky little trick - and by the way, I got the A-OK!!!) So, we go to Nick's and I see Brendan playing with Nick's to young sons, and oh crap... here it comes... I FELL MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM... right then and there! I thought to myself, this man will be a terrific husband and father one day, and God... please let it be ME he does it with!

HELLO!

Let me first introduce myself, my name is Kendra Massey. Generally speaking, I don't know that there is anything extraordinary about me, or my life... but I have been told by a lot of people lately, that I have quite a story to tell.

There have been many parts of my life that could be considered random, great events... or in some cases, crazy, life-altering events. In any case, most of the events - at times - keep me up at night, because I have a brain that just will NOT shut off! The only thing that helps this craziness inside my brain are various prescribed sleep aids... but alas, I am already on so many medications (more on that later), that our pocket book just can't afford ONE more, that isn't exactly LIFE SUSTAINING so-to-speak.

So that brings me to why I have started a blog about my unusual, semi-interesting life... my hope (selfishly) is that by putting these events down on here, my brain can shut off and I can finally get some sleep! BUT if one of my stories can touch someones life, or bring them hope in some way, that is just icing on the blogging cake!!

And so my story begins...